Finding my way

I haven’t written here for a long, long time. To say that a post is overdue would be an understatement. Soon I will start posting regularly again, but for now I am posting an “essay” I was required to write as closure to my recent punishment. I had disrespected my Master and was subsequently banned from communicating with Him for 7 long, lonely days. Then I was told to write about why a sub may dishonor herself, therefore disrespecting her Master. The following is what I wrote (I should edit it but I wasn’t told to). Master approved and said I have redeemed myself. Fuck I hope so…

~grace pearl~

“i can only speak for myself as to why a sub may dishonor herself. i am sure i could cite a litany of reasons as to why other subs may be inclined to disrespect their Masters but all that matters is why i have disrespected You. my own dishonor, and shame of my behavior, is what i will be focusing on in addition to what caused me to disrespect You. i will speak both to the specific incidents which led U/us to where W/we are and also in a general sense.

In the first instance of disrespect i got an attitude with You. i used a disrespectful tone of voice and spoke to You in a way that is unbefitting of a sub speaking to her Master. i let my own disappointment override my attitude. i did not want to end O/our conversation but was unable to think of anything to say at that moment. i took my disappointment and frustration out on You by copping an attitude. There is no excuse for using that tone of voice. It would have been better if i had taken a few moments (off the phone) and gotten my mind straightened out, then resumed talking with You. Not only have i been trained better than what i showed, You expect more out of me.

i dishonor myself when i let disappointment override what is expected out of me, when i allow emotionalism to overrule logic. If i speak before i think when i am upset, i am likely to say or do things i don’t mean or would not normally say or do. This means i need to take a step back and take my time in my interactions with You, especially if i am moody, disappointed, frustrated or crabby. Even if i don’t like something You said, or a decision You have made, i still need to be in control of my attitude.

To dishonor myself in this way is to disrespect You. my tone of voice and attitude are a direct reflection on You and my training. You deserve a sub who knows her place and is able to cope with disappointment without disrespecting her Master. i need to do whatever i can to deal with disappointment without disrespecting You. In a similar situation i can get off the phone and get my priorities straight. Take a moment, take deep calming breaths and put things into perspective. Tell You i am disappointed/frustrated and ask to have a minute to myself so that i don’t say something i don’t mean using an inappropriate tone of voice.

When i called You repeatedly i was acting on emotion, not good sense. All my patience went out the window and i put my needs and wants above Your command. i wanted to speak with You, to apologize and tell You i loved You before i went out of town. i wasn’t thinking rationally when i called over and over, i had convinced myself that You forgot **** was coming home and that You would want to speak with me before i left.

i know i totally fucked up by calling You over and over. It was an emotional, obsessive and desperate thing to do. i am sure it made You more angry each time i called. i am very embarrassed at my behavior. Not only was i insubordinate to You, my Master, i acted childish and immature. In this i completely dishonored myself as a submissive and as a woman. i disrespected You as a Man and as my Master. i acted irrationally and unreasonably. Your command is my law and i broke that law. At that time i placed more value on my emotional needs/wants than on Your command. i lost control of my emotions and in turn put those emotional desires above Your command to me. i disrespected and disappointed You while embarrassing and dishonoring myself in the process.

i lost all sense of objectivity and submission and surrendered to my emotional obsessiveness. i made unhealthy decisions which went directly against the decision which had already been made for me. i should have been a big girl, gotten a grip on my emotions and waited for You to call me. In retrospect You probably (but maybe not) would have called or texted me before i left. i didn’t give You the opportunity.

In the ensuing week i have thought about this a lot. In trying to force You to talk to me before You were ready i was trying to take the reigns, trying to drive the car, in other words i was trying to take control. i wasn’t trusting You to make the right decision, and i wasn’t acting as a humble submissive should.

i cannot allow my emotions to override my submissiveness. i need to allow my emotions to wash over me and through me but not to rule me. i have You to rule me and allowing my emotions to take over is unhealthy not only in my submissiveness to You but for my sanity and mental stability. This is not to say i shouldn’t feel and analyze my emotions, only that i should not allow said emotions to overrule my objectivity. This is something i will have to work on and i am sure it will be somewhat difficult. i will need Your help to relearn how to deal with my emotions.

Although this week has been hell (i am not exaggerating), it has reaffirmed Your control. It has made me look at my emotions vs my submissiveness. This week i have had to let my emotions seep through me but not act on them. i was finally able to put Your command over my emotional desire for communication. i don’t know why it was so difficult. i felt abandoned at times, mostly when i was letting my emotions dictate my thoughts. When i was calm and rational i knew You were driving home the point that You are in control, You are driving this car and i am being punished for disrespecting You. It is a fitting punishment for my behavior. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and i miss You like fuck.

i wanted to call or write and beg for Your forgiveness. i want to hear Your voice, even though You are angry at me. i want to show You the respect that i didn’t show when i had the chance. In my loneliness i have re-realized how much You mean to me, and how good You are to me. You absolutely did not deserve how i talked to You and subsequently disobeyed You.

i would like to prostrate myself before You and stay that way for a good long time. i want to humbly kiss Your feet and lay my forehead on the ground below You until You tell me i can rise. i am so sorry i let You down Master and i apologize for the way i disrespected You. i love You my Master”

Your loving bad girl,
grace pearl