Poems
During my punishment I had written some poems which I subsequently sent to my Master. He has ordered that I post them here. They were not intended for anyone but Him, but He wants me to post them, so post them I shall. I don’t tend to share my poetry with anyone, it is something I write for myself, to sort out my feelings and express my emotions. Of course I share it with Master, He is non-judgmental and I am expected to share all things with Him. I am a bit embarrassed to post these here.
~grace pearl~
Ocean of Despair
A moment of calm
in a sea of churning emotion
Tossed about by waves of guilt
drowning in an expanse of tears
Furious white caps
of relentless remorse force me under
While suffocatingly icy fingers
lash at my heart
i am floating adrift
with only One Who can save me
as i flow along
in an undercurrent of disappointment
Struggling to keep my head above water
trying to catch my breath
i am balancing precariously
at the edge of an abyss
i am…
achingly apologetic
sick with fear and selfish loathing
trying to maintain composure
but failing miserably
deserving devastation
imagining the worst to come
hollowed out and waiting
for unknown consequences
painfully pessimistic
crying for my lonely heart
humble tears amid panicked thoughts
waiting for my fate
complete contrition
as my soul burns with shame
craving Your forgiveness
while time slows to a crawl
Before You
wishing i could be
on my knees
begging for Your absolution
prostrating myself
before You
waiting for my punishment
bowing low
with face on floor
enduring my disgrace
Your angry voice
would be better
than nothing at all
fall from grace
humble whore
reaching for Masters hand
bowing head
hiding tear-stained face
empty shell
until You fill me again
bad girl
fallen from grace
Ignored
shaking with fear
of losing You
long lonely days
with more to come
Your distance felt
with acute despair
no end in sight
only pain to bear
knowing i deserve this
doesn’t make it any easier
Punishment and Forgiveness
I haven’t written here for a long, long time. To say that a post is overdue would be an understatement. Soon I will start posting regularly again, but for now I am posting an “essay” I was required to write as closure to my recent punishment. I had disrespected my Master and was subsequently banned from communicating with Him for 7 long, lonely days. Then I was told to write about why a sub may dishonor herself, therefore disrespecting her Master. The following is what I wrote (I should edit it but I wasn’t told to). Master approved and said I have redeemed myself. Fuck I hope so…
~grace pearl~
“i can only speak for myself as to why a sub may dishonor herself. i am sure i could cite a litany of reasons as to why other subs may be inclined to disrespect their Masters but all that matters is why i have disrespected You. my own dishonor, and shame of my behavior, is what i will be focusing on in addition to what caused me to disrespect You. i will speak both to the specific incidents which led U/us to where W/we are and also in a general sense.
In the first instance of disrespect i got an attitude with You. i used a disrespectful tone of voice and spoke to You in a way that is unbefitting of a sub speaking to her Master. i let my own disappointment override my attitude. i did not want to end O/our conversation but was unable to think of anything to say at that moment. i took my disappointment and frustration out on You by copping an attitude. There is no excuse for using that tone of voice. It would have been better if i had taken a few moments (off the phone) and gotten my mind straightened out, then resumed talking with You. Not only have i been trained better than what i showed, You expect more out of me.
i dishonor myself when i let disappointment override what is expected out of me, when i allow emotionalism to overrule logic. If i speak before i think when i am upset, i am likely to say or do things i don’t mean or would not normally say or do. This means i need to take a step back and take my time in my interactions with You, especially if i am moody, disappointed, frustrated or crabby. Even if i don’t like something You said, or a decision You have made, i still need to be in control of my attitude.
To dishonor myself in this way is to disrespect You. my tone of voice and attitude are a direct reflection on You and my training. You deserve a sub who knows her place and is able to cope with disappointment without disrespecting her Master. i need to do whatever i can to deal with disappointment without disrespecting You. In a similar situation i can get off the phone and get my priorities straight. Take a moment, take deep calming breaths and put things into perspective. Tell You i am disappointed/frustrated and ask to have a minute to myself so that i don’t say something i don’t mean using an inappropriate tone of voice.
When i called You repeatedly i was acting on emotion, not good sense. All my patience went out the window and i put my needs and wants above Your command. i wanted to speak with You, to apologize and tell You i loved You before i went out of town. i wasn’t thinking rationally when i called over and over, i had convinced myself that You forgot **** was coming home and that You would want to speak with me before i left.
i know i totally fucked up by calling You over and over. It was an emotional, obsessive and desperate thing to do. i am sure it made You more angry each time i called. i am very embarrassed at my behavior. Not only was i insubordinate to You, my Master, i acted childish and immature. In this i completely dishonored myself as a submissive and as a woman. i disrespected You as a Man and as my Master. i acted irrationally and unreasonably. Your command is my law and i broke that law. At that time i placed more value on my emotional needs/wants than on Your command. i lost control of my emotions and in turn put those emotional desires above Your command to me. i disrespected and disappointed You while embarrassing and dishonoring myself in the process.
i lost all sense of objectivity and submission and surrendered to my emotional obsessiveness. i made unhealthy decisions which went directly against the decision which had already been made for me. i should have been a big girl, gotten a grip on my emotions and waited for You to call me. In retrospect You probably (but maybe not) would have called or texted me before i left. i didn’t give You the opportunity.
In the ensuing week i have thought about this a lot. In trying to force You to talk to me before You were ready i was trying to take the reigns, trying to drive the car, in other words i was trying to take control. i wasn’t trusting You to make the right decision, and i wasn’t acting as a humble submissive should.
i cannot allow my emotions to override my submissiveness. i need to allow my emotions to wash over me and through me but not to rule me. i have You to rule me and allowing my emotions to take over is unhealthy not only in my submissiveness to You but for my sanity and mental stability. This is not to say i shouldn’t feel and analyze my emotions, only that i should not allow said emotions to overrule my objectivity. This is something i will have to work on and i am sure it will be somewhat difficult. i will need Your help to relearn how to deal with my emotions.
Although this week has been hell (i am not exaggerating), it has reaffirmed Your control. It has made me look at my emotions vs my submissiveness. This week i have had to let my emotions seep through me but not act on them. i was finally able to put Your command over my emotional desire for communication. i don’t know why it was so difficult. i felt abandoned at times, mostly when i was letting my emotions dictate my thoughts. When i was calm and rational i knew You were driving home the point that You are in control, You are driving this car and i am being punished for disrespecting You. It is a fitting punishment for my behavior. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and i miss You like fuck.
i wanted to call or write and beg for Your forgiveness. i want to hear Your voice, even though You are angry at me. i want to show You the respect that i didn’t show when i had the chance. In my loneliness i have re-realized how much You mean to me, and how good You are to me. You absolutely did not deserve how i talked to You and subsequently disobeyed You.
i would like to prostrate myself before You and stay that way for a good long time. i want to humbly kiss Your feet and lay my forehead on the ground below You until You tell me i can rise. i am so sorry i let You down Master and i apologize for the way i disrespected You. i love You my Master”
Your loving bad girl,
grace pearl
This whore can’t get enough
Okay, so it has been for.fucking.ever since my last post. I have been working on a written project which will further my career and Master had forbidden me from blogging until it was complete. It still isn’t complete, but I have until the end of February to finish it. This post is an exception to the no-posting-until-said-project-is-complete rule.
A week or so ago I wrote (and sent) a poem to Master. I like to write poetry when I am feeling pensive, or when the mood strikes me and the words flow out of me with little prompting. Although I do not consider myself “a writer”, I would like to write children’s stories one day. W/we’ll see about that.
While W/we were on the phone the other day He had me read it aloud to Him – twice. This made me feel very shy and vulnerable. I don’t know why, seeing as He was the one it was intended for and I knew He had already read it, but still, it made me feel very shy and little-girl like.
In the past He has made me sing to Him. I was so fucking mortified. That was actually much worse than reading this poem aloud to Him as I absolutely cannot sing. Sometimes I blush when I am singing alone in the car, I am that bad. Bless His heart though, He didn’t laugh at my “singing”.
I expressed my tremendous joy at His praise over said poem. It thrills me to my core to know He enjoyed it so thoroughly. In fact, He said He doesn’t like it, He loves it 
. Then He went a step further and said He wanted me to post it here. The only opinion that matters is His, but I still feel super shy about posting it!
Without further ado (I’m cringing here):
This whore can’t get enough
Glowing from His words
Aching for His touch
Dripping from His voice
This whore can’t get enough
Thighs pressed together
Squirming, writhing, creaming
my hard little button
So fucking slippery
Rubbing circles with my thumb
Side to side then back again
Fingers slick and deep within
This whore can’t get enough
His voice is husky
Calm and firm
Dominate, yet sexy-sweet
All the while commanding me
Please, oh please, i beg of Him
my head is hot and
my need is great
This whore can’t get enough
Radiating heat surrounding me
Sticky sweat runs down my back
my blood is boiling rapidly
i’m begging for release
Crying out for Him
my One, my Master
He’s all i need
This whore can’t get enough
Quiet whimpers turn into
Loud moans and
Lewd words of my
Total submission
This whore can’t get enough
Now smiling contentedly
Floating back to earth
Warmth is overflowing
and i can’t get enough
For my Master
by His loving bad girl
January 28, 2008
_________________________________________
In other news, Master has “re-christened” me. He has always called me “bad girl” (among other things, hehe), which i adore. Recently He gave me a new name. It is grace pearl. I love this new name. I think it is beautiful *sighs contentedly* He chose grace not because I am graceful, but because I would like to be, and somehow, I am graceful in His eyes. He chose pearl for two reasons; 1) I am as precious to Him as a gemstone, and 2) I am being cultivated and remade by Him just as an oyster cultivates and remakes a piece of sand into something beautiful and new. Those are His words, paraphrased. How sweet is that?
I am one happy whore. The only thing that will make me happier is being able to spend each and every day with Him; serving His needs, loving Him, and being loved by Him as W/we travel this road that will take U/us to the bottomless pit of perversion. This whore truly cannot get enough of her Master
More Confessions from an Online Whore
Although in the beginning of our relationship, sex with my husband was great, it isn’t now, at least not often. He isn’t dominate, creative, kinky or rough. He worries too much about “what I want him to do” and not enough about just fucking me silly. Sometimes he throws in an ass smack or a rough moment, once in a while even a lil’ “dirty talk”, but it usually feels forced and false, which does nothing for me. I need a natural dominant to fuck and use my cunt in the way it is meant to be fucked.
Recently I asked Master to control my sex life with my husband. Part of the reason I want Him to control this aspect of my life is because I desire Master’s dominance in all parts of my life. Another reason is that it just feels good to submit to Him in any way I can and I get off fucking at Masters discretion. It makes me cream just knowing that I am getting fucked this way or that way because Master willed it to be so.
The fact is that my sex life sucks right now. I want need to be physically fucked and used in extreme ways, preferably by my Master, and as that isn’t possible right now, getting fucked at His command is the next best thing.
In the past He has required that I only get fucked in the ass for a week, or that I am to fuck my husband but not cum. I have found that fucking my husband on Masters orders, and in the ways that Master desires makes mundane sex very exciting. It is like He is there in the room with me, telling His whore what to do, egging me on, and encouraging me to let go of my inhibitions (of which I still have a few).
O/our online sessions are intensely satisfying. They often leave me hot, sweaty and with a creaming cunt that aches to be fucked good and proper. Sometimes following a very intense session I’ll ask to fuck my husband. Usually this request is granted, although more than once it has led to my ass getting fucked. I must say that as uncomfortable as butt sex is, it makes me so eager just because I know it is what He wants. The next day I describe to Master (in a very graphic email) how it went down and what the outcome was.
If Master doesn’t give explicit instructions, it is understood that I can fuck and get fucked however and whenever I want. My husband, despite the fact that he isn’t into what I like (we have just grown apart in this respect), is horny ALL the time and I can pretty much have sex whenever I want. Sadly, I want to be told when, where and what to do. I don’t want it to be up to me. I want it to be taken out of my hands. One day I hope that is exactly what will happen. My Master is extreme, RAW, perverse and also always horny, so when W/we are T/together, my cunt will finally get what it deserves and desires!
Confessions of an Online Whore: Becoming Masters photo whore
As a sub that communicates with, and serves her Master in an online capacity I would like to express one of the ways I please and pleasure my Master.
When Master and I first began chatting He would ask me to put up pictures that I felt comfortable sharing with Him, some were just my face, some were suggestive and after just a little while, many were very graphic. I am an exhibitionist by nature and once I was comfortable with Him, it didn’t take long for me to expose more of myself to Him. For awhile none of the pictures had my face in them, just my body. He would tell me how to pose, what body parts He wanted me to expose and I would eagerly consent and follow through (God love digital cameras!). Eventually He asked that I email Him a variety of photos, ones of my choosing. They could be clothed, nude, or partially nude, whatever I felt comfortable sharing. Master ended up with pictures of my bare cunt, photos of me kneeling in only panties with my breasts exposed , and a host of other ‘naughty’ shots. That was the beginning of becoming Master’s photo whore. Still I had never sent any pictures that included my face. He had seen my face, but not attached to my nude, or semi-nude body.
Eventually I showed Master a picture of me in a short dress with my “come-fuck-me” expression, and He immediately asked for those to be emailed to Him. The next time He asked for a set of photos He implied that He wanted them similar to the “come-fuck-me” ones, but with my cunt exposed to Him. Timidly I asked if He wanted my face in them, to which He responded “Yes!! I want to see your whore face as you expose your whore cunt to Me” That made my cunt cream to say the least.
After that He wanted me to look in the camera for all photos. If the pictures are from behind I am to look back at Him. In the beginning my facial expression was very serious and determined, which pleased Him, so that is how I take them still. Sometimes I cannot help the slight smile that comes with knowing He will soon be seeing the pictures.
He has asked me to pose in ways that seemed awkward and used to make me feel silly, but were very pleasing and erotic to Him. One of these poses is to point to my cunt, or ass hole. When I point I am thinking “This is Your cunt Master” He seems to enjoy those pictures a lot and it is very obvious what I am thinking in them.
The first time He had me insert a bottle in my ass hole and look directly at the camera I felt so embarrassed, but now I get an electric thrill when I take such photos. A cucumber is next, but it is so hard to find ones that are *small* enough. He gives me special instructions for object fucking my ass, which insure that I am not torn or damaged in any way. Master wants an intact, healthy whore at His command.
At this time Master has very many photos of me, well into the hundreds (that is an understatement ). I sometimes wonder if He’ll grow bored of them, or that they will become redundant. He assures me they are prized by Him and I am to “keep them coming”. Sometimes He gives me directions for what He wishes to see, but often I am left to my own creativity in taking these photos. Master gives me very detailed feedback, which, in addition to making me feel useful, sexy and owned, also enables me to take more pictures that are pleasing to Him.
He has expressed the desire to show me off and expose me online as well as to random strangers when W/we are T/together 24/7. He is a sharing Master and a voyeur and that bodes well for this exhibitionist. Right now this type of exhibition is impossible, due to O/our need for discreetness and anonymity. Master would like to figure out a way to post pictures of me that wouldn’t be terribly obvious if my husband or someone else that knows me were to run across them. The fact that the only thing my husband ever reads is Penthouse Letters or Literotica should work in O/our favor for this venture. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, as I am leaving this totally up to my Master.
Online Submission
Those who haven’t experienced an online relationship tend to doubt or scoff at their depth and authenticity. When that relationship is of the D/s nature, people are even more skeptical. I can understand this to a degree, which is part of the reason I decided to write about some of the ways in which I submit to my Master, who lives in another state and at this time W/we haven’t YET met face-to-face.
Due to (and some would say despite) the fact that O/our relationship is online, I have learned exactly what it means to submit first and foremost in my heart and mind. From the beginning I have tried to do exactly as Master asks, usually without hesitation. Something about Him made me want to please Him from the get-go. Initially W/we chatted about my sexual experiences and desires, and I found myself opening up to Him, telling Him things no one else knew, or cared to know. As W/we continued meeting online, I felt the strongest urge to please Him, and was determined to earn His respect. The first time He told me how proud I had made Him, I was elated. Prior to that moment I had only the vaguest idea how high it would make me to submit to the will of Another.
I feel I should mention that He has never asked me to do anything that would harm my relationship with my husband or make him suspicious. He has always looked out for my well-being, including warning me against unscrupulous men posing as doms online. He went so far as to instruct me that if He ever made me uncomfortable I should listen to my gut instincts and act appropriately. In fact, He has often told me, regardless of the situation, to always trust my gut.
I have always felt safe with Him, mostly due to His forthright, level-headed and straight forward manner. He took things one step at a time, and always had a purpose, even if I didn’t see it at the time. He became my Teacher and guided me into the D/s lifestyle, all the time making requests of me, with which I eagerly complied. He assigned written tasks that helped me assimilate both what I had learned from Him as well as the websites He required me to visit.
As I mentioned in my first post, I quit smoking per His wishes. Anytime I crave either cigs or weed, I think of Him and that quells my desire. When I smell weed, it brings the urge to smoke, but then I imagine telling Master what I did (and I would tell Him if I did) and that does it for the craving. Everyday I chose not to smoke pot, and that is because my body is His temple and He wants it healthy and drug-free.
I have no desire to smoke cigarettes anymore, but the only reason I quit when I did was to please Him, to make Him proud and to submit to His desire that I not smoke. It was so easy once I set my mind to it. I had never even tried to quit before, but I had watched so many friends try and fail over and over. Quitting cigs is mind over matter, pure and simple. It was a constant battle at first, same with the pot, but I was determined to succeed and make Master proud. He was so encouraging and supportive, writing me long missives about how proud He was, telling me He knew I would succeed, and I didn’t want to let Him down. At the same time I knew I was doing the “right” thing for my health and that of course helped too.
Through that experience I learned the strength of my resolve and commitment, and realized how deeply I craved His pride. I quit because it was His will that I did so. Thinking of Him, and the fact that I was doing as He desired made it much easier than it would have been otherwise.
In following posts I will describe some of the other, more “fun” ways that I submit to my Master.
Here Goes Nothing…
This is my first go at the whole blogging thing. I started reading blogs completely by accident and in a very short period of time I have become addicted to reading quite a few. All the blogs I read are D/s related or just plain sexual. With my Master’s permission, I wanted to start my own. It is a bit intimidating actually. I’m not sure where to start or if anyone will even get anything out of it.
This blog is for me to explore my submission as well hone my writing skills. I would like it to be an outlet where I can express parts of myself that must remain hidden on a daily basis. It is hard to keep such a big part of me hidden from all those around my inner circle and as such I hope that writing this blog gives me some kind of inner calm. I enjoy expressing myself through writing, so this foray into blogging should prove to be somewhat therapeutic; that is my hope anyway. Reading some of the blogs I have found is very helpful to me, especially Kittens Pawprints in Slavery (I would make it a link if I had any idea how to do so…). Her open/candid writing and some of the similarities I observe between her and I make me think “Okay, maybe I can put myself out there as well.”
I suppose an introduction of sorts is in order. I am a 26 year old owned submissive who lives on the outskirts of a major metropolitan city in the Midwest. My Master is much older than I and lives on the East Coast. O/our relationship is based online right now. W/we plan to move into the real life 24/7 arena one day, but at this time O/our vanilla marriages prevent that. Yes, W/we are both in vanilla marriages. With that said, I must ask that if Y/you are going to judge or berate, please keep those comments to Y/yourself. While W/we deeply desire to have a real life tactile relationship with O/one A/another, W/we are not eager to hurt O/our spouses. W/we are not cruel unfeeling P/people; W/we married for love and as it turns out, love is not enough to be truly happy, especially not with such deep burning D/s desires.
I love rough ‘kinky’ sex. I want to be used and ‘abused’, I want to be fucked by other Men, and I want to be bound and helpless as that happens. I want control to be taken out of my hands and I want the ‘whore’ inside me to flourish and grow. Unfortunately, my husband is not dominant or very kinky at all. He lets me run our sex life which leaves me so incredibly unsatisfied and desirous for something more. I am constantly trying to “Top from the bottom” with him, in order to get off during sex. This lack of satisfaction and deep-seated need for a dominant Man led me to my Master.
When I met Him I had no idea what O/our relationship would become. I was still in a discovery mode; meaning that realizing my burning desire for extremely rough kinky sex was a symptom of a much deeper and more significant need. I didn’t really recognize this yearning for what it was until I met the Man Who could control and dominate my cunt. Upon finding that Man, my Master, I was humbled and grateful, as submitting to Him brought me a measure of true happiness and fulfillment that I had not felt before.
These days I am a much happier girl, one who feels more alive and more sure of who she is and what she stands for. Through concrete acts of submission, I have found a calm peace within my soul. His dominance over my cunt allows me to explore various aspects of my submissiveness as well as my sexual fantasies and “perverse” needs, without fear of judgment or recrimination. Earning His pride and respect fills me with a joy that I cannot properly express. I take pride in being Master’s whore. He deserves a cunt who knows her place is at His feet. That is my place, where I belong and I am indeed eager to take up my position there. Master has taught me a level of patience that I never thought I could achieve.
Through my submission to Master and His dominance over me, I have become grounded and more focused. His dominance has helped to center me as well as allowed me to rediscover who I am and what I am about. Throughout my relationship with my husband I have let parts of myself get lost and pushed to the side. Now I am back on the path (in a genuine way) of finding and getting in touch with who I truly am and what brings real meaning to my life.
I hate that I am the ‘dominant’ one in my marriage, but my husband is not the type to take control, and to be honest, after so many years of being in an ‘average’ relationship where he exerts little or no dominance, I don’t think I could genuinely submit to him even if he has an epiphany and tries to play the role of a Dom. I didn’t realize I was a sub when I got married, in fact I am not generally a submissive woman at all. I am submissive only to my Master, and He is pretty much the first Person to evoke this from me.
Most people in my life would actually consider me dominant and would laugh disbelievingly if I told them that I submit to this Man. I am also a feminist and if those same people discovered some of the ways in which I submit to Him they would be shocked to their very core (which makes me smile actually). Finding the balance between feminism and submission is an interesting journey, one that continues each day.
Part of what I pushed to the side was my attraction to women. I was openly bi-sexual in high school as well as when I met my husband. He wasn’t comfortable with that part of my sexuality, so I fooled myself into believing that it was a “phase.” Before I discovered my submissive nature I began to allow my desire for women to resurface. I do not wish to date women, although I did have girlfriends in high school.
At this stage in my life I want the intimacy that being with a woman brings. I want the softness of a woman’s body and the heat that comes from our mutual contact. I like having girls who are friends that I can also relate to on a sexual and intimate level. I won’t go into detail about what I want physically with women, I assume anyone who reads this can imagine that for themselves 
. I do have a (girl) friend that I fool around with a little, but it hasn’t gone as far as I would like it too. With much encouragement from Master I am trying to change that.
Master has also guided me in taking better care of my health. I smoked cigarettes for over 11 years and finally quit a few months ago. I quit not because He demanded it, but because I knew it was what He wanted. Never having been a smoker, He was careful about how He stated this desire. He supported me throughout, making my struggle His own. Without Him I would still be freezing my ass off outside for a cig. However, I will never ever bitch at someone else to quit, because that didn’t work with me. It is a personal choice that one must come to on their own, for whatever reason. He was my reason.
I also quit another smoking habit as well. I had smoked pot everyday for over 9 years, and this He did demand that I quit. It was actually harder in many respects that quitting cigs. I am now grateful that I no longer depend on pot to relax, or to ease my anxiety. That drug affected my short term memory, my bodies ability to relax, and for me it encouraged apathy and laziness. I was unable to relax at first, not smoking pot made me restless and anxious. I am fine without it now.
Well once I got started it was hard to cut myself off! I have so many ideas buzzing in my head about what else I want to write, so if you have stumbled across this, please stay tuned and read on as I continue to find my way on this path that is lit by Master.
