This is my first go at the whole blogging thing. I started reading blogs completely by accident and in a very short period of time I have become addicted to reading quite a few. All the blogs I read are D/s related or just plain sexual. With my Master’s permission, I wanted to start my own. It is a bit intimidating actually. I’m not sure where to start or if anyone will even get anything out of it.
This blog is for me to explore my submission as well hone my writing skills. I would like it to be an outlet where I can express parts of myself that must remain hidden on a daily basis. It is hard to keep such a big part of me hidden from all those around my inner circle and as such I hope that writing this blog gives me some kind of inner calm. I enjoy expressing myself through writing, so this foray into blogging should prove to be somewhat therapeutic; that is my hope anyway. Reading some of the blogs I have found is very helpful to me, especially Kittens Pawprints in Slavery (I would make it a link if I had any idea how to do so…). Her open/candid writing and some of the similarities I observe between her and I make me think “Okay, maybe I can put myself out there as well.”
I suppose an introduction of sorts is in order. I am a 26 year old owned submissive who lives on the outskirts of a major metropolitan city in the Midwest. My Master is much older than I and lives on the East Coast. O/our relationship is based online right now. W/we plan to move into the real life 24/7 arena one day, but at this time O/our vanilla marriages prevent that. Yes, W/we are both in vanilla marriages. With that said, I must ask that if Y/you are going to judge or berate, please keep those comments to Y/yourself. While W/we deeply desire to have a real life tactile relationship with O/one A/another, W/we are not eager to hurt O/our spouses. W/we are not cruel unfeeling P/people; W/we married for love and as it turns out, love is not enough to be truly happy, especially not with such deep burning D/s desires.
I love rough ‘kinky’ sex. I want to be used and ‘abused’, I want to be fucked by other Men, and I want to be bound and helpless as that happens. I want control to be taken out of my hands and I want the ‘whore’ inside me to flourish and grow. Unfortunately, my husband is not dominant or very kinky at all. He lets me run our sex life which leaves me so incredibly unsatisfied and desirous for something more. I am constantly trying to “Top from the bottom” with him, in order to get off during sex. This lack of satisfaction and deep-seated need for a dominant Man led me to my Master.
When I met Him I had no idea what O/our relationship would become. I was still in a discovery mode; meaning that realizing my burning desire for extremely rough kinky sex was a symptom of a much deeper and more significant need. I didn’t really recognize this yearning for what it was until I met the Man Who could control and dominate my cunt. Upon finding that Man, my Master, I was humbled and grateful, as submitting to Him brought me a measure of true happiness and fulfillment that I had not felt before.
These days I am a much happier girl, one who feels more alive and more sure of who she is and what she stands for. Through concrete acts of submission, I have found a calm peace within my soul. His dominance over my cunt allows me to explore various aspects of my submissiveness as well as my sexual fantasies and “perverse” needs, without fear of judgment or recrimination. Earning His pride and respect fills me with a joy that I cannot properly express. I take pride in being Master’s whore. He deserves a cunt who knows her place is at His feet. That is my place, where I belong and I am indeed eager to take up my position there. Master has taught me a level of patience that I never thought I could achieve.
Through my submission to Master and His dominance over me, I have become grounded and more focused. His dominance has helped to center me as well as allowed me to rediscover who I am and what I am about. Throughout my relationship with my husband I have let parts of myself get lost and pushed to the side. Now I am back on the path (in a genuine way) of finding and getting in touch with who I truly am and what brings real meaning to my life.
I hate that I am the ‘dominant’ one in my marriage, but my husband is not the type to take control, and to be honest, after so many years of being in an ‘average’ relationship where he exerts little or no dominance, I don’t think I could genuinely submit to him even if he has an epiphany and tries to play the role of a Dom. I didn’t realize I was a sub when I got married, in fact I am not generally a submissive woman at all. I am submissive only to my Master, and He is pretty much the first Person to evoke this from me.
Most people in my life would actually consider me dominant and would laugh disbelievingly if I told them that I submit to this Man. I am also a feminist and if those same people discovered some of the ways in which I submit to Him they would be shocked to their very core (which makes me smile actually). Finding the balance between feminism and submission is an interesting journey, one that continues each day.
Part of what I pushed to the side was my attraction to women. I was openly bi-sexual in high school as well as when I met my husband. He wasn’t comfortable with that part of my sexuality, so I fooled myself into believing that it was a “phase.” Before I discovered my submissive nature I began to allow my desire for women to resurface. I do not wish to date women, although I did have girlfriends in high school.
At this stage in my life I want the intimacy that being with a woman brings. I want the softness of a woman’s body and the heat that comes from our mutual contact. I like having girls who are friends that I can also relate to on a sexual and intimate level. I won’t go into detail about what I want physically with women, I assume anyone who reads this can imagine that for themselves 
. I do have a (girl) friend that I fool around with a little, but it hasn’t gone as far as I would like it too. With much encouragement from Master I am trying to change that.
Master has also guided me in taking better care of my health. I smoked cigarettes for over 11 years and finally quit a few months ago. I quit not because He demanded it, but because I knew it was what He wanted. Never having been a smoker, He was careful about how He stated this desire. He supported me throughout, making my struggle His own. Without Him I would still be freezing my ass off outside for a cig. However, I will never ever bitch at someone else to quit, because that didn’t work with me. It is a personal choice that one must come to on their own, for whatever reason. He was my reason.
I also quit another smoking habit as well. I had smoked pot everyday for over 9 years, and this He did demand that I quit. It was actually harder in many respects that quitting cigs. I am now grateful that I no longer depend on pot to relax, or to ease my anxiety. That drug affected my short term memory, my bodies ability to relax, and for me it encouraged apathy and laziness. I was unable to relax at first, not smoking pot made me restless and anxious. I am fine without it now.
Well once I got started it was hard to cut myself off! I have so many ideas buzzing in my head about what else I want to write, so if you have stumbled across this, please stay tuned and read on as I continue to find my way on this path that is lit by Master.
. Then He went a step further and said He wanted me to post it here. The only opinion that matters is His, but I still feel super shy about posting it!
